I often say, “Do not rush to judge, for life has not tested you yet”. During a recent discussion, a friend criticized someone’s character and I silently to repeated this to myself as a reminder. It took me back to the height of the #MeToo movement, when someone we knew was fired for having an affair with a subordinate. Interestingly, the woman insisted that it was consensual and private, but the judgment had already been passed.
When someone in the group remarked on her beauty I asked, “If a stunning young woman confessed her love for you, could you honestly say you wouldn’t be tempted? I for sure do not know. How can I be certain until life puts me in that exact situation, can you?” That question ended the moral high ground and started a deeper conversation, one that’s been simmering in my mind ever since.
For, you see, we see others’ actions, but not their context. The judgement we pass on others is through the lens of our context, not theirs. This is why, I believe, that when you pass a judgement on others, or you create a perception of them, it reveals more about you than the other person. When a woman posted on X (twitter) a picture of another woman smoking and condemning the behavior in harshest words, I thought that maybe this person has a repressed desire to try it out herself; otherwise, why would someone else’s smoking bother you so much.
Long ago, when I taught leadership classes at Intel, I would use a story I read somewhere as an example to illustrate this point.
A man sat in the subway, lost in thought, while his three small children ran wild creating a ruckus. Fellow passengers kept shooting angry glances at him to catch his attention but to no vail. Finally, the person sitting next to him nudged him and said, “Why don’t you discipline your children? You need to teach them how to behave in public. They are creating nuisance for everyone.”
The man jolted out of his thoughts, looked up and said, “Oh! I’m sorry. I did not notice.” After a pause, he reluctantly added, “Their mother passed away in the hospital about an hour ago. I am trying to figure out what to tell them when they see her,” as he called upon his children to sit quietly.
Observe how your perception of this person changed when you read his response.